BubbleTwins

Today was one of those days.
It wasn't exactly the best, to start out. Later, however, it got better. We were driving home and listening to the radio (oh how it makes a great good dent in my life) and Barlow Girl came on (oh how they complete my life). It was their song Beautiful Ending, which I have come to love very much and it just made me perk up. The lyrics are like this:

Oh tragedy has taken so many
Love lost cause it all forgot who you were
And it scares me to think that I would choose
My life over you
Oh my selfish heart
Divides me from you
It tears us apart

So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful

Oh why do I let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars and holds tears that fall
And the brighter my heart makes me forget
It's not me but you
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without you
You're dying for me

So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful
Will my life find me by your side
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all I wanna be in your arms [x4]

So tell me what is our ending
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful
Will my life find me by your side
Cause your love is beautiful
So beautiful

This song hits me hard in a lot of aspects, but it took on different meaning today.
What was my ending for today going to be like? Was I going to still be stuck in the mud under this ugly storm cloud? Was I going to wallow in self-pity forever? No. I wanted the end of my day to be beautiful. I wanted it to be a beautiful ending, one that I could look back on and be like: "Yeah Syd, that was beautiful."
Not only that but one of my friends lost her mother recently. I know all too well what that is like. And it cut me rather deep to think that she was going through that. And I cried for her on Friday night prayer, because that is hard. That's something that nobody needs to experience, but does because it's part of life. But the part of the song where they sing:
"Oh why do I let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars and holds tears that fall"
I knew that she wasn't alone, and that my hurting from missing my mother was still there, it would be impossible to forget. But God was there all along, even when I turned my back, he was catching my tears. He still is.
Enough said.

Trip, Ace & Demo,

~A&A

P.S. Have a beautiful ending

I don't know what to say. By that, as usual, I have A LOT to say. As in, there is so much I have to say I don't even know where to begin.
I guess prayer would be my starting place. I didn't feel so hot when I went into prayer, and I didn't exactly feel fantastic leaving either. But during prayer, it was amazing.
I have been thinking about "the race of faith" lately and not walking off the track, when I remembered a very popular passage of scripture:

"... Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, his love endures forever..."
(Psalms 136)

But there was one word that struck me: endures.
I often refer to the word endures as in running. It's hard and you have to endure to pass the finish line. But in this scripture it's not talking about us enduring, but aboug God enduring, or more correctly his love enduring.
We don't endure alone. We don't fight this spiritual battle alone, we don't endure alone. It says right there He is enduring too! That is so amazing to me.
When God showed that to me it hurt my heart so bad because I'm always thinking about myself through this, all my struggles, when God's standing right besides us fighting too.
Blurb for the day.

• By the way, my blurb has SO much to do with my 5 minute challenge.
• I went to Emma's today so we could work on editing my book (wow. what an insane thing to call it. God has blessed me so much with this story, you have no idea!
  
• It was fun too though. Did I mention he was tri-polar? I told you all the names have significance!! Oh yeah, and they're all telepathic. Just a heads up!
  
• Sigh. Don't you just love those little moments that make you laugh so hard? They make the world go round, they really do. They're blessings in disguise.
• It's finally the weekend. School wasn't so bad, and I really enjoyed talking to Kristen and Taylor in history. That is probably one of the best classes!
• My family is watching Wall. E right now. I wanted to watch Finding Nemo but nooooo.
• You win some you lose some.
• Enough said.

Ok, I have to say one thing and one thing only (actually I have a lot of things to say, but this is the one that's going to get out of the ball park) Emma, I know you're reading this so read up: You can never ever, ever, ever write too much! So the next post, man I want it to be a novel! You are a beautiful girl and writer and I dare you to think about yourself for a few seconds and write everything. I dare you.
Ok, my rant is over, somewhat.
Today was a really great day. Beyond great, actually. I definetly had the joy of the Lord inside. But there was something that I found out last night that stirred emotions in me that I slam lids on. I'm not an emotional person, I try not to be.
But I was sitting in bed and I was thinking about God. I was wondering why He didn't just show me what to do, how to live right for him, why didn't he just make me be perfect in his eyes? And I got it. Oh my gosh did I get it. I got the image of a slave in my head.
Running, running away from what they are forced to do.
And it all clicked, the puzzle pieces were falling into place.
We're not God's slaves. He doesn't force us to do anything. We chose. That's where God's love comes in. Jesus wasn't forced to be brutally murdered and nailed to a cross. He could have destroyed every single on of those soldiers without batting an eye. But he didn't. He chose to stay there and take that pain.
I don't know. To me, that is truly amazing.
Blurb for the day.

• Today, I cracked and write A TON more in my story... I mean, book.
  
• In fact, I am sad and happy to say this (if your name is Danielle, Emma or Grace I HIGHLY reccomend you DO NOT read the rest of this bullet!) Ok. When I was writing I wrote this really good part that it made me cry as I wrote it. That was definetly a God thing. He was there and it was his idea. So amazing.
• Anyway. Well I think that this is going to be a pretty short post. I have been on a writing streak and I wrote for a full hour in my book. It's an amazing feeling.
• I really like this song by MercyMe. It's called Finally Home. Here are some of the lyrics to take with you wherever you are.

• Whenever I hear that song it encourages me. It makes me pick myself off, dust myself off and keep on walking. Because, when I finally make it home, it will be SO worth it!
• How badly do you want it?
• Enough said.

Waking up with a worship song in your head is the best feeling ever. Period. End of story.
At least to me. It's been happening lately, every day. I go to sleep dreaming and thinking about way too much and I wake up-all of that removed-and am at peace.
That happened today. I went to bed, the weight of the world felt like it was crashing down. But when I woke up I was OK. I was better thank OK, I was great.
Oddly enough, I felt removed from the situation. In the valley there was a battle, but I was on the hilltop, staring down, mourning over the losses, cheering at the joys.

• I've never had this feeling before, but when I got home today, I did not want to do my homework. I wanted to do everything besides my homework.
  
• So, I did. For a while anyway, until my sister snitched on me and told my mom I was writing a letter. You gotta love her.
• So then I finished my math homework (which, might I add, took forever) and went around my room looking for envelopes.
  
• An odd thing to look for, but I was thinking about how many envelopes I had to be safe that I had more than plenty to write to my pen(cil)-pal, Lovely Leah. (Rest assured Leah, I have enough envelopes to last me writing you a life time. And some.)
• WE HAVE 17 FOLLOWERS!!!!
  
• Today was a pretty good day, to be sure. After I wrote that last blog I felt like a veil was lifting and I needed to do something that would reap benefits to more people than just myself.
  
• So I read my bible. I read Romans 8, actually. But I wasn't done there. I read Psalms 89, and Ecclesisastes 3, then I read from 1Peter. I couldn't stop myself because no matter what I read it had meaning. It dug deep into my soul, sifted around a bit, and came back up, making my heart feel ten times lighter.
• It made me think of Barlow Girls song "I Don't Regret". Part of the song goes like this:

• Barlow Girls wraps up my life. I really encourage you, Dear Reader, to listen to this song.
  
• Ryan's words won't leave my head and I think they were really meant for me. Specifically for me.
• "How badly do you want it?"
• Enough said.

I'm disheartened. It's one of those times in my life where, out of all the people who have failed me, I have done it the most. I betray myself at the greatest lengths.
It's hard.
Maybe for everyone else a relationship and true relationship with God comes easy, but for me it's like a ton of bricks. Because, honestly, I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I can go through with it. And I have had to fight myself too many times and told myself that I can do it.
Can I? Will I? Yet what Ryan said two weeks ago keeps playing in my head:

How badly do you want it?"

Do I want it? Sydney, do you want it? How hard are you willing to struggle, how far are you willing to go?
To the ends of the earth. Because the love I feel when I am in God's arms is overwhelming. It's more incredible than anything I could ever imagine. I may have not had my first kiss yet, but I know what love feels like from the creator of love, and I am keeping it. The struggle is so hard, I get that. Hello? I live it. But that's what makes the fighting so much better. I want to win and be a sore-winner about it. I want to take the devils nose and shove it, to rub it around in failure like a bad dog. I want to have the victory of a win.
That's what I want. My heart has been set on that, it always will be.

• I really liked Emma's last post. It made me think. A lot of that has been going through my head as well.
• Thinking is going to be the death of me.
  
• You have no idea.
• To be totally honest, this was not a very long post. Danielle, and maybe you other readers are probably very proud.
• Then again, we say the most when we say the least.
  

Prayer completes my life. Bar none. It wraps everything up into this tight, hot burrito of God wrapped in tin foil. I don't know why, but Friday night prayer, man I needed it.
I had just gotten to the point where it was too much. So many things were happening but none of them made any sense. I was running that race but I couldn't take much more. Then in prayer it all clicked.
A slap-you-in-the-face moment.
What Ryan said last week, God knows what he can do, he knows what you need, but how badly do you want it? That struck me and added so much!
So I went into prayer and as I started crying out I felt it. I can still remember falling my knees, the feeling of hitting the ground burns in my mind. God was tugging at my heart, telling me that I wasn't going to get anything out of prayer unless I fought for it. All I could hear from him was this:
"How badly do you want it Sydney?"

• Yesterday I went on a hike with my family and it was really great! I just loved being out in the open air, so cold. It nipped at my cheeks, but it felt SO good! I wish I could do that all the time.
• Honestly, I think I could have grown up in the country.
  
• Actually, I would really be happy anywhere.
  
• Except Antarctica.
• I finished Hunger Games (the book I was reading) on Thursday and I am dying to read the next one. You have no idea (unless you're around me a ton) what role books play in my life. I love them so much. In fact I'm starting my own personal library. I need another bookshelf I have that many books. I LOVE books.
• In fact, I was thinking about this when I woke up. (I woke up with a worship song in my head. Do you have any idea what a great feeling that is?!) And I started thinking about my favorite books and who taught me to read.
• My mother.
  
• She taught me how to read. (not to gloat or anything) but I read pretty fast too.
• Wow. Crazy thought.
• I wrote more in my book. That is a GREAT feeling, to be sure!
• Enough said.

My new favorite word?
Because.
Cuz.
'Cause.
I actually had this slap-you-in-the-face-moment because of beautiful Sonia (thank you Sonia!!!)
Too many time we are like: "Well all these stupid, pointless things are happening to me, and breaking me apart, and ruining my life. Why? WHY? God are you even there? Can you even HEAR me?!"

OK, so maybe I'm the only one who has said that... no? Because whenever something goes wrong we're like: "GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!"
But we often forget that it's not God doing it, it's God allowing us to do it.
Because he knows we can take it. He knows that we're going to have to reach DEEP inside of us to find that last burst of energy that helps us finish the race. He KNOWS that we have that in us, the real question is: Do we want to use it?
Since Emma is such a great, spectacular, fast etc. etc. runner, I will relate this to running (analogies, eh Leah?)

Imagine this: You're running a race. Your lungs burn, your arms (yes your arms) ache like the dickens and your legs are screaming. The blister on your foot is rubbing against the back of your shoes. The person you are trying to beat is right behind you and you can hear them letting you know in colorful language that they are going to beat you (even though they're, uh, behind you...)
So you just walk off the track.

Why would you do that? The reason anyone enters a race is to finish it. There would be no point in you just walking off that track when you are doing so good. Yes your legs and arms and lungs and every part of your body ache and you feel like you can't go any further. Yes it's miserable and you can almost taste the finish line, but you still have to sprint for it. Why do you get pain when your running your hardest? Why don't you just walk off the track and throw up your hands?
Because.
God pushes us, like a good coach who knows that you are good enough, but wants you to prove it. He pushes you until you can't move after practice. He pushes you until your lungs feel like they're going to burst, until you feel like throwing up.
Because he know you can take it.
He loves you that much.
Because life is an endurance race.
Blurb for the day.

• I thank everyone for all the comments about what I should do in my next book! Now I have to location scout and such. And if you have anymore suggestions on location (Maine, Canada or Kansas) and what emotions a reader likes to feel LET ME KNOW!!! Thank you!!
• Audrey over-did it a little with the lemon Pledge in the family room. Just saying.
• I started reading the book: THE HUNGER GAMES which my wonderful bible study buddy so graciously recommended to me! Very good!!!
  
• My book is chugging along once again after I deleted a WHOLE TWO CHAPTERS.
• Yes, that's right people. I got rid of two beautiful, time consuming, prayer time chapters.
• And it was worth it. Oh the life of a writer.
• I could say "woe is me" but I'm not going to go all Shakespeare on you. Why? Because there is no "woe is me" in this. I should be saying "woe is you" to the computer that I bang the keys on and the computer that I say "UGH THIS IS SO STU.... AGGRAVATING!!!!" to.
  
• Enough said.